Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy also wishes he was off the island and back home. The third guy says to the genie: "I'm lonely. I wish my two friends were back here." - Unknown
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And The Lord Said Unto John
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and won a toaster instead. - Unknown
On A Traffic Light
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on and yellow means go ahead...And red means where the hell did you get that banana? - Mitch Hedberg
So Much In Common
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. - Unknown
The Buddha Orders A Hotdog
What did the Buddha say when he walked up to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. - Maniac TV Show
Police In Small Towns
I wouldn't want to be a cop in a big city. I think the police have it way easier in small towns. Especially when it comes to investigating crimes. You know, in a big city crime can go unsolved for like 20 or 30 years. In a small town the police are there like "Can you describe the man who robbed ya?" Yeah, he was Dwyane. Go get him. - Brent Butt
Valentines Card From Secret Admirer
For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this. - Colm Flynn
I'm Also A Writer
I'm also a writer...I write checks...Mostly fiction. - Wendy Liebman
Why Is It A Penny?
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny. - Steven Wright